Illumination for a Heart Disillusioned

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I must be a horrible mom!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard moms say this—the first time coming from inside my own head. I was shocked when I heard those exact words echoed by another SAFE mom, and then another, and another.

I was surprised again when I heard my own thoughts reiterated nearly word for word as I sat in a room of SAFE moms and overheard a shattered soul confess, “I’ve never felt like such a failure in my life.” Like me, she had succeeded at most things she had done in life, that is, until she became a mom to traumatized children.

Disillusionment happens when family life turns out to be not nearly as pretty as you thought it would. Disillusionment happens when your kids don’t bond with you as you dreamed they would. Disillusionment happens when you discover your not the A+ mom you thought you were.

Dissillusionment hits most SAFE moms smack in the face—boldly and unapologetically—landing us on our backside without an ounce of strength—or interest—to get back up and continue on. We wave our hand before the Father, “Excuse me! Can I quit now? I’m done!”

Sometimes faithfulness to the call is all that carried me through each day. But, truth is, I wanted more for each day than just fulfilling a duty. The problem was I could not see, whatsoever, that my efforts were going to produce any semblance of the family I wanted.

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You know what? That was a good thing! Once I let go of my own aspirations, I was able to grab hold of God’s. You know what else? God wasn’t giving me any previews. Not surprising, right? He usually doesn’t. No, I had to grab on to Him. His goodness. His Lordship. His promises. His track record.

Nothing in my current-day perspective shined any light on God’s plan. It was His Word that offered the enlightenment I needed. It was the stories of those who’d gone before me, that reminded me over and over again, that He would accomplish His plans.

 

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The path may not be lit too far ahead, but at least we can see enough to take the next step.

The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9, NASB).

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6, NKJV).

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path (Psalm 110:105, NKJV).

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