When You’re Really Not Being Helpful to Your Teen, and How to Fix It

I’m so pleased to introduce you to brand new blogger, and veteran nonbio mom, LuAnn Kern. She’s currently in the middle of teenage messes with her two adoptive daughters. She writes clear and practical truths we can all employ. You’ll be encouraged by her words today. Head on over and check out her blog where she’s shares empowering insights.


I did it again.

My teenage daughter had been complaining for weeks, about some kids in her science class teasing her.

“Why do they have to keep mentioning that I’m adopted? That I’m from Guatemala? Why do they have to keep telling me I’m short? I know I’m short! I’m just sick of it.”

Cue the heart break.

I asked her if she wanted me to step in, talk to the principal. She said no, she’d manage, the school year was almost over. I promised I’d stay out of it; told her I’d pray for her.

But there’s only so much a mama can take,

… seeing her girl in anguish every night. Seeing how this treatment was weighing down on her spirit, was weighing down on mine.

May 29 LuAnn Kern

But I didn’t take it to God. Instead I took it to the principal.

Hit SEND.

He was quick to respond, said he’d talk with the other students. Offered to let her switch classes. I told him we’d get back to him.

Then I had to ‘fess up to my daughter.

“Mother, what did you DO?”

She handled it well, listened to my excuses, my explanations. Only said, “May I go to my room now.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised by such a mature, measured response from her. She may have trouble forgiving her classmates, but she can forgive me. Ah, the grace of a 14-year-old.

I haven’t mentioned it since. Neither has she. I know she’s trying to be independent; always has been. She wants to handle these types of things, but it can be so hard for a middle schooler. Just as hard for a loving mom to not step in and solve her problems. Maybe this is why adolescence is such a tough time for teens and parents. They’re trying to cast their own identity, apart from us.

And we’re needing to recast our identity,

… away from being a problem-solver and toward being a sounding board and a life coach.

We didn’t change her schedule. She still comes home frustrated. Some days are worse than others. She’s learning to navigate her way through it. I’m learning to listen better. To empathize more. To ask “what are you going to do?” instead of suggesting telling her what to do.

And I’m learning to pray harder for her.

Because, after all, isn’t that the best thing we can do for our teens?

May 29 I'm learning to pray harder.

When it comes to parenting our teens, let us rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. (Romans 12.12)


20170529 LuAnn KernLuAnn Kern is a writer and mother raising two teenage daughters who were both born in Guatemala. She knows first-hand that when adolescence hits an adopted child, it hits hard. In addition to a changing body and evolving emotions, adopted teens are searching for independence from not one but two sets of parents. To help share what God’s teaching her and her husband, she hosts the blog Ripples and Rip Tides: Raising Your Adopted Teen.

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